Hurts, Habits and Hang-ups | Covenant United Methodist Church in Dothan

Happiness and healing are yours for the choosing. We've all been hurt by others. We've all hurt others. We've all hurt ourselves. As a result of bad choices, everyone ends up with some sort of hurt, habit or hang-up. Celebrate Recovery helps every hurt, habit and hang-up in life: Alcoholism, divorce recovery, sexual abuse, codependency, domestic violence, drug addiction, sexual addiction, food addiction, gambling addiction and anger.

Hurts, Habits and Hang-ups:

Adult Children of Family Dysfunction

Do you feel isolated, uneasy with other people, especially authority figures? To protect yourself, are you a people pleaser, even though you lose your own identity in the process?

Common Traits among Adult Children from Troubled Environments:

guess at what normal is.
have difficulty in following a project through, from beginning to end.
lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
judge ourselves without mercy.
have difficulty having fun.
take themselves very seriously.
have difficulty with relationships.
over-react to changes over which they have no control.
constantly seek approval and affirmation.
either be super responsible or super irresponsible.
be extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.
lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do we deal with it.
fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.
fear failure, but sabotage our success.
fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
manage time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works well for us.

Chemical Dependency

Sometimes in our past, perhaps as a child, we were hurt in a way we were not equipped to handle. Some of us were neglected, rejected or abused by someone close to us. This hurt, along with a loss of trust and innocence gave us a wound we were unable to hide from.

To deal with our pain, we sought ways to cope, some healthy and some not. As our wounds remained hidden, over time, they grew deeper and more painful. As we continued to medicate the pain and stress in our life, we began to exist in an altered world where more and more of our time and energy focused on supporting our habits.

By the time we came out of denial, our coping mechanisms had taken control of our lives. They were no longer a solution to the pain, but had become destructive problems that were hurting us and those around us.

For some of us, we used alcohol, some drugs. Others used another substance or behavior. For each of us, it stopped being a help to us and became our master and god.

Ten Signs that you may be Chemically Dependent:

Have you had a drink or used drugs first thing in the morning to steady your nerves.
Have tried to stop or felt the need to stop. While you were successful for a short period of time, you returned to the same levels of consumption.
Have lied to family members and friends about the frequency or extent of your drinking or chemical use.
Keep a personal supply of alcohol, drugs or chemical "tools."
Have withdrawn from your normal circle of friends and family.
Require more alcohol or drugs than previously to relax or stimulate you.
Have memory "blackouts" or periods of time you can't account for.
Work or school performance has begun to decline and you have missed some days because of drinking or using.
Having difficulty participating in any of your old hobbies, sports or favorite activities.
Feel uncomfortable talking about your drinking or drug use.

Co-Dependency

Codependency and Christian Teachings. On the surface, codependency sounds like "Christian teaching".

Codependents:

Always put others first before taking care of themselves. (Aren't Christians to put others first?)
Give themselves away. (Shouldn't Christians do the same?)
Martyr themselves. (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Definition of Codependency:

In its broadcast sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

Ten Traits of a Codependent:

The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
The codependent's self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.
A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
The codependent's relationship with a spouse or significant other is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
The codependent worries about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them.
A codependent's life is punctuated by extremes.
A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life.

Compliance Patterns

As a codependent, you:

assume responsibility for others' feelings and behaviors.
feel guilty about others' feelings and behaviors.
have difficulty identifying what you are feeling.
have difficulty expressing feelings.
are afraid of your own anger, yet sometimes erupt in rage.
worry about how others may respond to your feelings, opinions, and behavior.
have difficulty making decisions.
are afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
minimize, alter or deny how you truly feel.
are very sensitive to how others are felling and feel the same.
are afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
value others opinions and feelings more than your own.
put others people's needs and desires before your own.
embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
judge everything you think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
are a perfectionist.
do not ask others to meet your needs or desires.
do not perceive yourself as lovable and worthwhile.
compromise your own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

Codependency says:

I have little or no value.
Other persons and situations have all the value.
I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
I must give myself away.
If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between life of service and codependency take several forms.

Motivation differs. Does the individual give himself and his service freely or because he considers himself to be of no value? Does he seek "please people"? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the "helpee" becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react. Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Additions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.

Codependents have poor sense of boundaries; they help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence). They have trouble setting limits for themselves and allow others to invade their boundaries.

A codependent sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being god created. Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service one renders.

Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself. Codependent helping is joyless; Christian service brings joy.

Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions; Christians are God-directed and can be free from compulsiveness, knowing that God brings the ultimate results.

Co-Dependent Women in a Relationship with a Sexually Addicted Man

Eating Disorders

Food Addiction is unique. Our behavior ranges from daily binges and excessive exercise, to starvation and vomiting. We engage in a high intake of sweets and unusual rituals while eating. For some, it is compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia. We use our bodies to create an illusion that gave us a false sense of self-worth. We jeopardize our relationships, health, jobs, morals and values; we even neglect our children. All the while, we rationalize our addictive behaviors. "Why can't I have a little something like everyone else?" We try to maintain a "normal" image, yet we live a double-life. We become disconnected from reality making true intimacy with God or other people impossible. We take God off His throne and replace Him with our behavior. Why? We are running; running from love, running from pain, and running from the pain of, shame, self-hate, and multiple forms of abuse. We lack self-worth, have an unrealistic body image and fear intimacy. We try to connect and escape. We feel abandoned. We need to be in control and have power over others and/or situations. Spiritually, we were bankrupt. We learn to numb our feelings and to cope with our inadequacies by reaching out for a cure that would ultimately destroy us.

This unhealthy belief system is not in line with the plan God had for the food in our lives. Food addiction is progressive. It can begin as a little curiosity or negative self talk. When we cross a line, it sets us in motion to cross the next line more easily. We tell ourselves that tomorrow our food behavior will be better, but it never is. Eventually our behaviors result in kidney damage, destruction of teeth, malnutrition, cardiac arrest or diabetes. For many, the risk of death is now a reality. And hopefully before that happens, we hit bottom.

To determine if you suffer from an Eating Disorder, ask yourself these questions:

Do thoughts about food occupy much of your time?
Are you preoccupied with a desire to be thinner?
Do you starve to make up for eating binges?
Are you overweight despite concern by others for you to lose weight?
Do you binge and then vomit afterward?
Do you exercise excessively to burn off calories?
Do you overeat by bingeing or by grazing continuously?
Do you eat the same thing every day and feel annoyed when you eat something else?
Do you binge and then take enemas or laxatives to get rid of the food you have eaten?
Do you hide stashes of food for future eating or bingeing?
Do you avoid food with sugar in them and feel uncomfortable after eating sweets?
Is food your friend?
Would you rather eat alone? Do you feel uncomfortable when you must eat with others?
Do you have specific ways you eat when you are emotionally upset, sad, angry, afraid, anxious or ashamed?
Do you become depressed or feel guilty after an eating binge?
Do you feel fat even when people tell you otherwise?
Are you ever afraid that you won't be able to stop eating when you are on binge?
Have you tried to diet repeatedly only to sabotage your weight loss?
Do you binge on high-calorie, sugary, forbidden foods?
Are you proud of your ability to control the food you eat and your weight?
Do you have weight changes of more than 10 pounds after binges and fasts?
Do you feel your eating behavior is abnormal? Do you try to hide it from others?
Does feeling ashamed of your body weight result in more bingeing?
Do you make a lot of insulting jokes about your body weight or your eating?
Do you feel guilty after eating anything not allowed on your diet?
Do you follow unusual rituals while eating, such as counting bites or not allowing the fork or food to touch your lips?

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions numbered 1, 4, 7, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 24, you may be dealing with compulsive overeating.

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions numbered 1, 2, 6, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 20, 22, 25, 26, you may be dealing with anorexia nervosa.

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions numbered 1, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 21, 22, 26, you may be dealing with bulimia nervosa.

Freedom from Anger

Every person has a "Pattern of Toxic Behavior" that can significantly damage the important and intimate relationships in his/her life. Anger is one of our ten basic, God-given emotions. This emotion can be constructive or destructive- depending upon our response. The focus of this group is on giving Jesus a "Nano Second" (just one billionth of a second) to help us learn to use all of our emotions according to God's design for our lives, and to appropriately change our pattern of relating to others and our responsibilities.

When most of us think of an "angry" person, we think of someone who destroys themselves and their relationships through uncontrollable outburst of rage. We usually picture someone who goes around slamming doors, yelling loudly, and making life miserable for everyone, including themselves. yet, this is only one part of anger, as anger has many faces. Equally as damaging and destructive is anger that is suppressed, or "stuffed." All anger, if allowed to, will continue to destructively influence our behaviors and attitudes, and will ultimately erupt from deep within the heart.

There are two kinds of anger: healthy adaptive anger and unhealthy needless anger. Healthy anger is based on being protective of oneself or others. Unhealthy needless anger is based on resentments which leads to desiring revenge.

Recognizing and accepting responsibility for toxic patterns of behavior is the first hurdle to overcome as one runs the race toward true freedom from anger.

Walking through the recovery process with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power allows us to admit our powerlessness to control our anger, as well as trust that He will help us to overcome our destructive habits. Breaking the old patterns that have kept us locked into destructive behavior takes time. What took years to bring about will take some time to change, but with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power, and the willingness to allow Him to change our life, real freedom from anger is possible!

Take the Anger Questionnaire!

The following inventory can help you in the recognition process as you seek to determine whether your anger is reaching a destructive level in your life. (Adapted from "The Anger Workbook," written by Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth.)

I become impatient easily when things do not go according to my plans.
I tend to have critical thoughts toward others who don't agree with my opinions. When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication with them or withdraw entirely.
I get annoyed easily when friends and family do not appear sensitive to my needs.
I feel frustrated when I see someone else having an "easier" time than me.
Whenever I am responsible for planning an important event, I am preoccupied with how I must manage it.
When talking about a controversial topic, the tone of my voice is likely to become louder and more assertive.
I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I get irritated easily at those who refuse to admit their weaknesses.
I do not easily forget when someone "does me wrong." When someone confronts me with a misinformed opinion, I am thinking of my comeback even while they're still speaking.
I find myself becoming aggressive even while playing a game for fun.
I struggle emotionally with the things in life that "aren't fair."
Although I realize that it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.
More often than not, I use sarcasm as a way of expressing humor.
I may act kindly toward others on the outside, yet fell bitter and frustrated on the inside.

Gambling Addiction

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit gambling entirely, or if you have little control over the amount you bet, you are probably a compulsive gambler. A compulsive gambler is described as a person whose gambling has caused growing and continuting problems in any department of his or her life. If that is the case, you may be suffering from a problem which only a spiritual solution will conquer.

Have you ever decided to stop gambling for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Do you wish people would mind their own business about your gambling- stop telling you what to do?
Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?
Do you envy people who can gamble without getting into trouble?
Have you had problems connected with gambling during the past year?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
Have you missed days of work or school because of gambling?
Have you ever lost track of time gambling?
Have your ever felt that your life would be better if you didn't gamble?

Sobriety for the compulsive gambler is defined as follows:
Complete abstinence of any betting or wagering, for self or others, whether for money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance or 'skill' constitutes gambling.

Love & Relationship Addiction

Common Traits of those with Love and Relationship Addiction:

lack of nurturing and attention when young
feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
mistake intensity for intimacy
hidden pain
seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost
afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
depressed
highly manipulative and controlling of others
perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
sense of worthlessness
escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
intense need to control self, others, circumstances
presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
insatiable appetite in area of difficulty
using others to alter mood or relieve pain
continual questioning of values and lifestyle
driven, desperate, frantic personality
existence of secret "double life"
refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
defining out-of-control behavior as normal
defining "wants" as "needs"

Five basic principles of Recovery:

Acceptance
Confession
Forgiveness
Accountability
Love

The goal of recovery is to achieve and maintain sobriety. In most addictions, sobriety can be defined simply by ceasing the unhealthy behaviors. Stopping and staying stopped are the goals.

Staying sober is more complicated with people addictions. The aim of recovery cannot be the complete avoidance of all forms of romance and relationships. It is similar to the challenge faced by people addicted to overeating; they cannot simply give up food. Rather, they must learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy eating. They must eliminate the unhealthy while promoting the healthy behavior.

The following questions can help you determine if a particular behavior will contribute to a healthy relationship or lead to addictive behavior.

Will I later have to deny that I did it?
Is it self-centered?
Is it abusive to myself or to others?
Would I refuse to do it if Christ were standing here with me?
Is it an action without an underlying commitment?
Will I feel better or worse about myself for having done it?
Will someone else feel worse for my having done it?
Is this a waste of my time or the time of others?
Am I doing this to escape painful feeling of reality?

A yes to any of these questions should be a 'red flag' that the behavior being considered may be unhealthy. When romance and relationships proceed with these types of dynamics, they are likely to be dysfunctional and addictive.

Benefits of Recovery:

experience genuine love
discover true intimacy
fill the aching void inside
grasp the meaning of life
find union with God

Nicotine Addiction

Two characteristics of an addiction are compulsive use of a substance and continued use despite adverse consequences. The adverse consequences of smoking tend to be fatal.

The following questions will help you determine whether or not your smoking habit is compulsive.

Do you smoke/chew tobacco everyday?
Do you smoke/chew tobacco because of shyness or to build self-confidence?
Do you smoke/chew tobacco to escape from boredom and worries while under pressure?
Have you ever burned a hole in your clothes, carpet, furniture or car?
Have you ever had to go to the store late at night or at another inconvenient time because you were out of cigarettes?
Do you feel defensive or angry when people tell you that your cigarette smoke/chewing tobacco is bothering them?
Has a doctor or dentist suggested that you stop smoking or chewing tobacco?
Have you promised someone that you would stop smoking/chewing tobacco, and then broken your promise?
Have you felt physical or emotional discomfort when trying to quit?
Have you successfully stopped smoking/chewing tobacco for a period of time only to start again?
Do you buy extra supplies of tobacco to make sure you won't run out?
Do you choose only activity and entertainment that allow you to smoke/chew tobacco during them?
Do you prefer, seek out or feel more comfortable in the company of nicotine users?
Do you inwardly despise or feel ashamed of yourself because of your smoking/chewing?
Do you ever find yourself lighting up/packing without consciously deciding to have another cigarette/dip?
Has your smoking/chewing tobacco caused trouble at home or in a relationship?
Do you ever tell yourself that you can stop smoking/chewing tobacco whenever you want to?
Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you didn't smoke/chew tobacco?
Do you continue to smoke/chew tobacco even though you are aware of the health hazards posed by nicotine?

Sexual/Physical/Emotional Abuse

Celebrate Recovery is a place for women in recovery from past physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. Our common background is a history of abuse is a common background while our goal is to enter into or maintain recovery. Recovery is a two-fold process. We need healing from the traumas done to us in our past; we also need healing from the influence these past experiences continue to have in our present lives.

(Most) Survivors of Physical/Sexual/Emotional Abuse:

are hesitant to identify themselves as victims of abuse.
feel isolated, depressed, worthless, and helpless to change.
are struggling with feeling about God in relation to their life experiences of being abused
condemn themselves, denying that the past abuses affects their present circumstances.
feel out of control and defeated in areas of compulsive behavior.
feel angry, bitter, rebellious; have trouble with authority figures.
feel a lack of self-worth.
are preoccupied with thoughts of what it means to have a "normal" relationship with others; mates, friends, family.
question their own sexual identity and may experience confusion regarding their own sexuality.
desire to regain their sexuality and feel safe in intimate relationships.
question self-reality- "Who am I?"
question whether life has a purpose.
feel "at home" in crisis situations.
struggle with perfectionism or "all or nothing thinking."
desire to have victory through Christ over the life experience of abuse.

Survivors of Physical/Sexual/Emotional Abuse can experience recovery when we...

recognize that we are powerless to heal the damaged emotions resulting from our abuse; look to God for the power to make us whole.
acknowledge that God's plan for our lives includes victory over the experience of abuse.
understand that the persons who abused us are responsible for the abusive acts committed against us; will not accept the guilt and shame resulting from those abusive acts.
look to God and His Word to find our identity as worthwhile and loved human beings.
are honestly sharing our feeling with God and at least one other person to help us identify the areas that need cleansing and healing.
accept the responsibility for our responses to abuse.
are willing to accept God's help in the decision and the process of forgiving ourselves and those who have perpetrated against us.
are willing to mature in our relationships with God and others.
are willing to be used by God as an instrument of healing and restoration in the lives of others.

Twelve Steps for Sexual/Physical/Emotional Abuse

Step 1
We admit we are powerless over the past and as a result our lives have become unmanageable.

Step 2
Believe God can restore us to wholeness, and realize this power can always be trusted to bring healing and wholeness in our lives.

Step 3
Make a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God, realizing we have not always understood His unconditional love. Choose to believe He does love us, is worthy of trust, and will help us to understand Him as we seek His truth.

Step 4
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, realizing all wrongs can be forgiven. Renounce the lie that the abuse was our fault.

Step 5
Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of the wrongs in our lives. This will include those acts perpetrated against me as well as those wrongs I perpetrated against others.

Step 6
By accepting God's cleansing, we can renounce our shame. Now we are ready to have God remove all these character distortions and defects.

Step 7
Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings, including our guilt. We release our fear and submit to Him.

Step 8
Make a list of all persons who have harmed us and becoming willing to seek God's help in forgiving our perpetrators, as well as forgiving ourselves. Realize we've also harmed others and become willing to make amends to them.

Step 9
Extend forgiveness to ourselves and to others who have perpetrated against us, realizing this is an attitude of the heart, not always confrontation. Make direct amends, asking forgiveness from those people we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10
Continue to take personal inventory as new memories and issues surface. We continue to renounce our shame and guilt, but when we are wrong promptly admit it.

Step 11
Continue to seek God through prayer and meditation to improve our understanding of His character. Praying for knowledge of His truth in our lives, His will for us, and for the power to carry that out.

Step 12
Having a spiritual awakening as we accept God's love and healing through these steps, we try to carry His message of hope to others. Practice these principles as new memories and issues surface claiming God's promise of restoration and wholeness.

Hurts, Habits and Hang-ups:

Adult Children of Family Dysfunction
Chemical Dependency
Co-Dependency
Eating Disorders
Anger
Gambling Addiction
Love & Relationship Addiction
Nicotine Addiction
Sexual/Physical/Emotional Abuse

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.
-- Philippians 14:6

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message.
-- Colossians 4:2-3a